Sunday, August 24, 2014

Prisoner of Hope with Glory in my midst!

Sometimes it is through the smallest of everyday-ness that Abba ravishes my eyes with the largeness of Himself; the grandeur and scope of His glory and His sweetly compelling love all around me.
"for whoever has questioned the day of small things shall rejoice..." Zech4:10

A book read. 
Humanly authored words scraping my soul bare before divine glory.
Simple paper and ink bound together the way His truth bound itself to the leaves of my soul. 
He sought me there; in those pages. 
"Cry out, thus says the Lord of hosts: I am exceedingly jealous for Jerusalem and for Zion." Zech1:14


The searching Holy Spirit knowing me intimately; unpacking my vulnerability. 
Spiritual white space sought in quiet moments, journaling, prayer walks; 
Bible-open time spent communing with Him taking on levels of relationship and freedom unexplainable! 

Washing over my heart there has been a healing I didn't know I needed. Such sweet comfort received; affirmations I hungered for and was for the first time receiving as I turned my soul to face His love in new ways. 
"And the Lord answered gracious and comforting words… Cry out again, this is the Lord of Hosts: my dwelling place shall again overflow with prosperity, and the Lord will again comfort Zion and again choose Jerusalem." Zech1:13,17


Past wounds and needs unfolding.
Wounds which I had neatly papered with platitudes of His sovereignty; packaging up in storages of a refusal to question God; a smallness in my understanding of His love which always welcomes my need. 

His gentleness did not leave me there, but has for years been leading me to the place that this August has held for me. 
I can see it now. The path He authored. The unveiling. The unfolding. The drawing me close to Himself.
Summer's ending holding a culminating grab tighter of His love in my soul.

His sovereignty is never without His love. 
His unquestionable ways do not teach me to package up my wounds in neat unmentioned, never acknowledged hidden places. 
His absolute power over all in perfect love calls me to bring each one to Him;
Questions open, raw, bleeding before Him. 
"for this said the Lord of hosts, after his glory sent me to the nations who plundered you, for he who touches you touches the apple of his eye." Zech2:8


Like a letting go, a slow warming, and a waking up melded together, truth has poured into new crevices of my heart. 
A new knowing, truly knowing, that when He took my place under wrath I deserved, 
He took the woundedness, the confusion, the need of my every little-girl moment right up through this one. 
I can bare all of my moments to Him in absolute safety. 
My stronghold is not one of neat packaging but of hope!
"return to your stronghold, O prisoners of hope; today I declare that I will restore to you double." Zech9:12 


Wounds unwrapped. Questions laid bare. Bloody bare as-is. 
I have been received, seen, known, held, comforted, restored. 
His Word. 
His Holy Spirit abiding with me.
He has restored to me double. 

Today a weed caught my eye. 
Growing and blooming only where things are untended and left to look wild. 
This was not a plant chosen and planted.
It's brave and bold blooming fertilized by its Creator alone. 

The rough wooden bench where I sat gathering some spiritual white space
{lingering "un-planned-out" communion time with The Lord} 
was positioned only inches from its rough green stalk. 
Only the sun saw me pluck and pull the bloom near. 
My mind wondered at the survival of its teeny white blooms despite the winds and rains we've had here. 
Beauty in delicate lace-like circular shape.
Then I focused in. There in the center it perched. 
Singular and small, but stunning in its simple magnificence! 
Purple. One tiney purple blossom surrounded by hundreds of its white counterparts.... 
What Glory paints a center dot of purple in a lacey white bloom humanity calls weed?

This glory here in my fingertips grabbing my heart. 
His perfect, knowing, healing, pursuing love ready to show up and surround me from the smallest of small! 
"and I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the Lord, and I will be the glory in her midst." Zech2:5 

He is Savior to Me! 




#soulwords for this day!

"On that day 
the LORD their God will save them, 
as the flock of his people; 
for like the jewels of a crown 
they will sparkle on his land! 
For how great is his goodness, 
And how great is his beauty!"


Friday, August 22, 2014

A Different {less cold and drippy} Challenge

Hey You!  {can I hand ya a towel?}

Remember that time when all of Facebook was dumping buckets of ice on each other's heads (this week), recording and posting their frozen responses (some cute, others embarrassing, most hilarious) 
for their general public to relish? 

And then would come the key moment, as in each cold and drippy video clip, a list of names would be uttered. 
{Friends nominated.}
These friends too would now join the ranks of ice bucket challenging. 
{A deadline given – 24 hours.}

All this freezing fun in the name of donating to or supporting a foundation whose methods of research many of us know very little about, but a foundation that is working to establish a cure for a disease that we all know to be very bad...

...so pals were enlisted to record, buckets were filled with ice water and dumped, names were nominated.

Celebrities, former presidents, stuffed animals, friends and neighbors! 
It's. Happening. Everywhere. 

My Facebook feed alone proves the expansive power of combining peer imitation with social networking in the name of philanthropy! 
Someone somewhere is a genious! 

Don't get me wrong! I have enjoyed watching several of these clips, giggling and laughing at many whom we love enjoying their frigid self-inflicted torture. 
It has been entertaining. 

But this domino affect shivering across our country has gotten me to thinking.

{Never mind that the ALSA uses methods of stem-cell research which most of my acquaintances would not support. I have already shared some articles and links communicating that concern as well as safe ways to support ALS patients and research. 
Please do your research and be knowledgable about where your dollars go}

What has absolutely riveted me is the universal human desire which has made this challenge so successful. 
That of being nominated; 
named, chosen, pursued, called up and out on a mission bigger than oneself. 

This hungering desire to be united, brought together, part of and included.
Could it be that we were created to find our identity in that of Another, in responding to a call, and acting forth on mission. 

If you're reading this and not yet in Christ through true saving faith, 
know that the greatest call your name will ever hear is that of Christ's calling you to salvation through the placement of your trust in his work alone on your behalf. 
"Truly truly I say to you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not coming to judgment, but has passed from death to life." 
John 5:24 

If you are reading this, and like me, are a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, 
REJOICE!!!!! 
You HAVE already been named; nominated, adopted, drawn in, forever chosen!!! 
"even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ according to the purpose of his will." Eph1:4-5

The wrath of God was poured out on Christ in your place, and He bears your name on His palms. 
"even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." Is49:15-16

He has given you a mission: 
make Him known to the ends of the earth. 

There is a cure to humanity's greatest disease! 
Sin has lost its victory and death it's sting in our Savior's death and resurrection. 
"you did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide..."
John15:16

There is now no deadline for your soul, but there is one for your telling others about Him. 
You have until His return. 
{This may or may not be 24 hours.}
"and this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come." Matt24:14

Oh to see the proclaiming of His gospel taken up and spread like this past week's dumping of ice water! 
I have been challenged. 
I nominate..... 

YOU! 
You have this moment, today! 

Friday, April 18, 2014

Hebrew: "God has heard"

You don't have to study very far before you conclude that God's design of the human ear, both outer and inner, is one of the most intricate and compelling evidences of his magnificent power on display in creation! 
{if you want to really marvel, read this article: 
A distinguished ENT surgeon told me yesterday that, as of yet, medical science has not developed the ability or means to replace, construct, reconstruct or repair parts of the inner ear... 
He told me it has been attempted and researched for years without success.
{ I love that humanity finds its limitations, and the intricacy of God's creation eludes them....right there in that little mash-up of bones and cartilage!}

The extent of delicacy and the scope of imagination bound up in such a small space is astounding; all of the tiny parts working together to transform airwaves into electrical impulses which would relay sound. Thereby words are heard, voices are recognized, alarms are heeded, music is enjoyed, information is received, education is obtained... 

As creatures created to bear image of our Creator, we hear and receive communication. 
This Creator; He divinely choose to use avenues of spoken communication; speaking and hearing within triune fellowship; then to speak with soundwaves that echoed forth and called into existence the universe. 

His sound waves called forth this: 


And Gods voice called forth this: 
[handsome treasured son]


Psalm 139:13-16 
"for you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book was written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

God formed this kid- ears and all- and when he was born, during a blizzard on a first day of December, we named him "Jaydon Paul" , and wrapped him up into our little family with joy. 

In 2011, after countless bouts of reoccurring infection and hearing loss due to inner ear fluid, we were told that the hearing loss was not present only as a side effect, but that there was an underlying impairment.
Being such an intricate and elusive part of God's creation, there is not a test or scan that can reveal the exact cause for impairment. 
It was just there before us. 
On a scale of 1 - 100, his impairment was defined at 30.
Hearing aids were chosen, fitted and ordered.
Ear tubes were placed – twice – to accommodate the fluid retention in his eardrums.

It has been an adventure –
a good one – 
one we would never change or choose to exit.
It continues to unfold- 
It's direction, timeline, and outcome are known only within the perfect recesses of God's wisdom... His perfect wisdom! 
Unfailing and true! 

Yesterday, another chapter of Jay's adventure unfolded.
We did not expect the routine hearing test to result in anything other than a half-hour of waiting and freshly detailed hearing aids.
{They are like little vehicles that ride on your ear; needing a good polish and battery check periodically. The difference being, we de-wax rather than wax them;).}

Yesterday brought some harder news for Jay. His baseline hearing has regressed, and done so somewhat rapidly since the last test six months ago.
Where he has been around 30 on the charts, he is now listed at 45–50.
In addition, one of his ears drums has completely concaved in on itself; indicating a Eustachian tube without any function at all. 

Being such an intricate and complex aspect of God's design in the human body, there is no way for us to determine the exact cause of regression or to ascertain whether it will continue, and on what timetable etc.
If he were to continue on this pattern, all hearing capacities could be gone by his mid-teens. 


"The Lord is good to all, 
and his mercy is over all that he has made. 
All your works shall praise your name, 
oh Lord..." Ps145

Our God, our Hearing God -His intricacy does not stop with the untouchable anatomy of an inner ear, 
but the depth of his creativity reaches beyond our imagination and logic. 
That, in his divine sovereignty, he would create a little boy with imperfect hearing capabilities, and then allow that even those limited abilities may continue to slip away until they are gone.
Through the eyes of faith, we receive and acknowledge this as beautiful grace to be received; God's perfect design and purpose for our boy! 

On that snowy day when we called him, "Jaydon Paul"... 
God was at work.
Jaydon is Hebrew : "God has heard"
Paul of the NT penned these words surrounding ongoing suffering, 
"but he said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2Cor12

We named a little boy who would grow  into weak hearing for a God who hears and an apostle whose weaknesses became strengths because of God's sufficient grace! 
From the beginning, mercy rampant!

In the nearest future, we have been referred to consult with an Otolaryngologist who works out of Fraedert and Children's hospitals. 
There is most likely a surgery in the near future to reconstruct the collapsed eardrum in Jay's left ear.
We will see Dr. Harvey on April 29 after we return from our spring break vacation.

Beyond that, we will walk this road with one step at a time in receiving as it  unfolds, and we covet your prayer support! 
We are desperate for God's wisdom to maneuver us as we walk alongside our son in his suffering and loss. 

Steve and I have wept and prayed together more than once in the past 24 hours... 
{ I am so thankful that parallel to God's perfect plans for Jay's ears, he has also perfectly handpicked Jay's father who will shepherd and love him well.}

Steven shared with me this morning 4 points of focus that God laid on his heart for us in moving forward. Would you please pray through these with us and remind us of them when we forget? 

1- Steve wants us to actively bank on God's promises fulfilled to us through Christ. To do so in ways that would be very visible and accessible for Jay. 
He wants us to lay a strong foundational pattern that God is the Fulfiller of every promise He has made. 
Our deepest desire for Jay is that the ears of his heart would be unplugged and respond fully to the sound of the Gospel.

2- Steve desires that we would cultivate a greater focus on Thanksgiving in the big and small, hard or easy ... bringing the kids along with us in that.

3- he wants us to pursue relational connection and enjoyment with Jay.
Being our middle child – he does get lost in the mix a bit already, and so there is room for a greater prioritizing of one-on-one times.

4- on a very practical level, we want to "help J hear" now.... Becoming more intentional about drawing his attention to the sounds he can hear now but may not one day. Birds, wind, waves etc.
Our voices, his favorite music... 


From Jay's perspective: 

His greatest concern, as of yesterday, is the anticipation of another surgery. This one will likely be far more uncomfortable in the healing process than he has yet experienced. He needs prayer for courage based upon an understanding of God ever present care and goodness.

He is very quiet and sober at the mention of how his ears have "gotten worse", but we are unsure to what extent he understands or comprehends the possibility of deafness. We are currently focusing on answering his questions in the timing he asks them. 

As J has grown, and runs in circles with older and older children, his hearing aids have garnered some hurtful attention and become something he says he "hates". 
Unlike the four-year-old who was just happy to hear better when he first received them, he now feels very different in wearing them.  We look for every opportunity to share the truth with him as this particular "difference" exposes layers of his heart, and yet we yearn for the Holy Spirit to actively drive the comfort of that truth home for Jay.

Thank you for reading this long post, 
for loving and unconditionally accepting  our son, 
and for praying for us! 
We are abundantly blessed! 
Look forward with us to this:

"then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, AND THE EARS OF THE DEAF UNSTOPPED; then shall the lame man leap like a deer, and the tongue of the mute sing for joy. For waters break forth in the wilderness, and streams in the desert… And the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion was singing; everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain gladness enjoy, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away." Is35

{Oh the crazy fun}



Tuesday, February 25, 2014

...a hard stop for Grace!


cried at the dentist today. 
It wasn't the hygenist' fault. 
She was doing her job. 
Tired. 
Her own babies at home.

It wasn't her exacting words that slammed into me.
It was me. 
My failure. 
My failure slammed into me. 

[My Failure to understand that appointments must be booked just so.] [My failure to perceive that a bracket cannot be fixed when only a wire adjustment has been scheduled.]
[My failure to remind a 7 yr old about the dangers of pizza crust.]
[His eager hunger and years of habit had chomped into the tough bread; too tough for the delicate wires residing in his mouth.]

I sat there on a plush leather couch, my son stretched out flat nearby as new wires were fed into his mouth. 
I sat so aware of my desperate, constant,  inability. 
So clear, I could taste again my neediness. 
Absolute need.

But there was another truth. 
I preached it hard, silent. 
My hands of faith grasping, pulling, at the Steadfast Rock strong beneath my feet. 
I layed my weary cheek upon the cool, smooth presence of this Truth.

Ps 139. 

Not one single time will I sit down or rise from that particular leather couch apart from His knowledge, His ordaining, and His presence.
He is there with me. 
Every. Single. Time.

The hygenist didn't see my tears. 
She hadn't seen us since we arrived. 
Did I see her?
I asked God to help me see her. 

I found my voice and humbly apologized for my lack of clarity in booking the appointment. 
I told her it was kind of her to help us as much as she could. 

I saw her. 
Her hard day. 
Her longing to be somewhere else. 
Her need for a lavish, absorbing grace. 

As the words left my mouth, technology chimed. 
Some beeps and a chime. 
Two texts and an email arriving in harmonious succession.

I would not read them until later, but they arrived in THAT moment. 

She said: "Love you, sister. I pray this week is filled with belly laughs, "hard stops" for reveling in His grace and lots of "wow, I'm blessed" moments!"

Another said: "Hi! Hope your day is great! Nothing else. Love ya!"

From my FavoriteLove: "Hi angel - just thinking about you... So glad to just be coming home tonight!  How did your sm group go today?  Love you...~steve."

Words. Simple and profound at once.

They arrived in THAT moment. 
Together. Precise. 
A demonstration of Grace. 
A tender squeeze of His present-ness with me. 
A glimpse of His heart for my glory in Him! 

...a hard stop for Grace! 



Thursday, February 13, 2014

Two Paper Hearts..."A Good Chance"

He was confident, matter-of-fact, really with his request. 
His tone was the kind of casual
that is born out of
unreserved assurance in truth;
unhindered by doubt or fear. 


He wanted my input with a school project. 

"Mom, I have to do this project for school.
I have two paper hearts.
On one of them, I am supposed to write what I love about my family, and on the other one, you are supposed to write what you love about me.

I am thinking though...do you think you could write something about God on your heart, because I am supposed to read this in front of the whole class, and this would be   a good chance
for me to talk about God to my class."

This is not the first school project to evoke tears (nor will it be the last),
but the first to evoke tears of this type.... 

Pure gratefulness. 

And a redeemed outcast,
tax collector,
weasel-turned-disciple
recorded our Lord saying this, 
"So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven." 
Matthew 10:32

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Our son; our brother...

He hopped in the car from school....

"Ah Mom, I feel so different, like WAY different." 
"Mom, I'm not afraid to die. Every day I have been afraid to die. Now I'm really not afraid of anything -except doing sin." 

He wanted to call his Gma:

"Gma, I have some good news for you - that is last night I found out I am a believer." 

I'm loving the way he words it... 
"I found out..."
Discovery. 
Timed, initiated by a Source outside of himself. 
Contingent on the work and will of Another.
The what? 
Faith. Belief. Assurance.

I hear, "It is finished."
The light has come. Shown. 
Darkness dispelled. 
Fear eradicated. 
Doubt distroyed. 

4+ years of deep questioning; wrestling harder with truth and doubt than I ever dreamed was possible for a young child. 

Tears of anguish over not knowing. 
Even there conscience stricken with truth that he could not trust in a prayer, a raised hand, or logical desire to avoid hell. 
We saw this drawing grace, affirmed the gospel to him, and prayed... 

Worn knees.
Dependent knees. 
Knees of strong hope. 
 
Deep questions regarding a fear of desiring God but not being one of His chosen. 
Even there belief firm in the doctrine of election. 
An unquestioning reverent submission evidenced. 
We saw this drawing grace, affirmed the gospel, and prayed... 

Last nights bedtime. 
Another round of questions and fears by the pajama-clad son. 
This felt familiar. 
The day had been long. 
The hero and I were both so tired. 
A son's heart is treasured above sleep, and so grace enabled lights burning late; patience. 

We shared gospel truth. 
Words which we can speak because The WORD came into our flesh to rescue. 
The exact words don't matter. 
They had been spoken many times before. 
They did not save. 

The WORD saved. 
The same Word which spoke into existence the universe, spoke light of understanding; 
ignited a grasping of Christ's glory by faith. 
Physical evidence was immediate. 
The relaxed facial muscles, 
the sigh of understanding. 
Words of response: 
"Oh I get it now. 
He wants me to want Him because He wants me. 
I'm going to bed." 

Sleep was long and sweet and morning revealed a new assurance. 
"I know I'm a believer because He made me want Him." 

The drive to school found him praying, "thank you Jesus for wanting me."

The return drive found me wet-eyed, rejoicing, eagerly relaying to the hero at his office desk... equally wet-eyed!

"For God, who said, "let light shine out of darkness," has shown in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ." 
 
Oh happy day! 
Our son; our brother!