Monday, September 21, 2015

Filled to Hunger On...

I am hungry. In a soul-deep, pressing-on-to-reach-sort of way.
I have been for some time... 16 years to be exact;
Ever since The Living Father grabbed a hold of my heart and soul, but I am only just recently learning to know this hunger for what it is, and for where it comes from, and for where it takes me.


from Him, for Him, through Him, and to Him....

Sometimes this hunger has tricked me into feeling and believing that I lack something, that God has forgotten me or is displeased with me. 
Because of Jesus, this will never be true!

Other times, I have foolishly tried to trick the hunger away by turning to something of God's making rather than to His presence. 
Those wells always run empty and dry! 

It is this new thing I am finding, learning and stretching my muscles into...
and then re-finding, re-learning, and re-stretching my soul around...

...that in the meeting up of my own limitations and the way they leave me desperate for more of Him,

this is where Jesus fills.

One day last week, the churnings of this hunger in my soul literally drove me out my back door.
I needed to get quiet and still and alone with Him,
{because sometimes you have to leave a place to refill yourself for it.}

The kiddos were at school.
There was plenty of quiet and still and alone in the house, but something deep in my heart wanted to be where there was nothing between the top of my head and the great sky dome of His creation.

That sky dome was heavy with gray clouds and releasing a gentle mist, so I pulled on a rain jacket and stuffed my pocket with camera, journal and pen.

I had decided on the path less chosen across the fields behind our home, and mud from recent rain was sucking at my boots.
I could feel my heart settling into each soggy step as the busy stuff of daily life stilled behind me.

I thought about the hunger I was feeling and about where it was taking me.
I thought about how deeply I desire for more of Him to fill more of my doing, saying, being, and becoming with each passing day.
I so very much long for more of my anything to be filled with more of His everything!

I talked to Him about this.

I asked Him about being out in that muddy drizzly field together.
I looked for His hand, because I knew I would see His voice all over everything around me.

It was there as I took in the wild prairie grasses and flowers, some bravely holding onto their color, most bowing over with the onset of Fall's brown.

It was there in the trees with leaves still green but unable to hide the tell-tale spots of mold that will soon advance their change into a bright display.

It was on the thistles - some taller than I am- clutching tightly to their clusters of seeds which will break free and scatter on the harvest wind to next year's growing spot.

All of this emptying to be filled, this drying-out death to provide fresh new life after Winter passes.

I started to see again; was reminded afresh, to press into my soul-hunger, not seeking to satiate it, but allowing it's rhythms of seeking and filling to pull me deeper and deeper into His likeness.

I saw anew that I am filled up, not in the filling itself, but in the hungering for more, because it is the very nature of my created purpose to find satisfaction in a Limitless, All-Glorious God.

I was made for, and redeemed to, this glorious tension;
to be always both perfectly filled and yet hungering for more of Him!

And this is where it was that day in a muddy field walk; where it is today, and will be tomorrow.

In the wanting, the needing, the leaning in for more of Him,
this is where the feast of His presence is received!

and I am filled to hunger on....

Psalm 16::2
"I say to the Lord, 'You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you."

John 6:57-58
"As the Living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven...
Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever."

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